The 7 Greatest Banned Superbowl Commercials Of All Time

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It happens every year. It is a long awaited tradition. No, it’s not Christmas, or Easter, or even the Fourth of July… It is Super Bowl Sunday. Naturally, football fans near and far grow more and more excited as the day closes in, but even those who don’t necessarily get excited about football have been known to fast-forward through the action and stop at the commercials – quite the reverse of what most people do, when they watch something recorded. This is because some of the best (and worst) commercials you will ever see run for the very first time, during the Super Bowl. It is prime real estate, when it comes to advertisement. Only the big boys can play at this game, with a 30 second spot going for as much as $4 million, at 2013’s big game. The competition is fierce and not just on the field. Companies put forth their best efforts, in order to be the commercial that everyone remembers, talks about around the water cooler the next day, replays over and over again, can’t wait to see the next time it runs, etc. But in their haste and sometimes misguided effort to make a memorable commercial some companies go just a little over the line. These are the commercials that you will likely never see – at least not during the Super Bowl. Sadly (or not) they have been banned.

 

‘Axe’ doesn’t usually hold back on their commercials and once again this was true in a commercial that never made it to the Super Bowl.  It began with a man in the shower happily using his Axe products – nothing wrong there.  Before he knows it however the floor begins to crack and he finds himself falling through the floor and into what is apparently a woman’s dance class.  He immediately covers up what he considers vital and notices that all the women do the exact same thing.  He is apparently standing in the instructor’s spot and proceeds to thrust, pump, hump, gyrate and swivel, with all the women following his every move.  He walks through the doors of the dance class, seemingly very pleased with himself, and into the arms of a beautiful woman.  All the women in the dance class see this and, apparently as a show of encouragement, thrust in union, again and again… and again. I guess you had to be there.

 

‘Bud Light’ decided to throw pool party.  There’s just one catch.  The pool is unoccupied all but for a seemingly innocent couple that decides to go skinny dipping.  The moon is shining brightly and she wonders aloud what could make the moment more precious.  Her answer is – unbeknownst to her – the party going on underneath the glass bottomed swimming pool.  iPhones are whipped out and pictures are being flashed at a maddening pace, while two gentlemen, thoroughly enjoying themselves, cry out for more Bud Light.

 

PETA wants you to go vegetarian.  So much so in fact, that they put together one of the most sultry list, sexiest, most suggestive commercials possible.  (Victoria’s Secret’s got nothing on this one!) Unquestionably sensual women, while dropping every stitch of whatever they’re barely wearing, proceed to do things with vegetables that I can’t ever imagine doing with vegetables.  I don’t care how much you love broccoli!  It all gets dropped into a hot tub into which a woman sleekly slides - suggesting some kind of vegetable vegetarian soup or something.  Do I get crackers with this?

 

Mr. T makes an appearance in the ‘Snickers’ commercial that probably gets into trouble at the very end. A young man is speed walking down the sidewalk, which apparently is not manly enough for Mr. T, who drives a tank over houses and cars shooting Snickers bars, at the guy until he runs – like a man I guess. Mr. T, encouraged by his success, shouts out “Snickers… Get some nuts”.  I suppose that’s as opposed to grow some b----s.  I’m just guessing here.

 

Without being in trouble myself, let me try to describe a ‘Go Daddy’ spot that you’ll never see on the Super Bowl.  There’s a gruff gentlemen apparently berating a sexy model that wants to do a Go Daddy commercial.  He’s insisting that it takes more than a pretty face… And so on… To drive the point across that she’s the right girl for the job she tells him what it is that makes her different than all the other girls. The actress uncrosses her legs and strikes the pose Sharon Stone made famous in ‘Basic Instinct’ and sweetly says “My .com name... come see for yourself.”  Sheesh!

 

‘Budweiser’ is never at a loss for great commercials.  This one begins with two men enjoying a bottle of Budweiser, at their neighborhood bar.  The bartender grabs a cold bottle of Bud and uses the bottle opener mounted on the back of the bar to open the beer.  The bartender then has to leave to the back room for a moment and the gentlemen say they will watch the bar for him.  Naturally, one of them has to jump over the bar and get all excited about all the bottles of Bud.  When the bartender returns he quickly hides underneath the bar on his hands and knees, his rear end facing the bartender – right next to the bottle opener.  The bartender reaches into the cooler, grabs a bottle of Bud and proceeds to open the bottle, albeit with somewhat difficultly, because he has missed the actual bottle opener and guess where that beer ended up.  Immediately following the end promo shot a group of 20 or so comes in and says ‘20 bottles of Bud for everyone’ (or something to that effect).  You can imagine the dismay of the gentlemen hiding underneath the bar.

 

The winner here seems questionable, but watchable and if you’re not really watching you actually miss why it was banned in the first place.  It takes place in a stadium at a baseball game.  The batter hits the ball which proceeds to nail just about every man in the entire stadium exactly where they should be wearing their sports cup.  Painful as this is to watch, especially if you’re a man, it’s not until the very end that the commercial gets interesting.  The end shows two guys in the stands wearing their cup on the outside and relaxing in the knowledge that they are safe.  Cue end of commercial money shot: two baseballs, one on each side of a tall bottle of Rolling Rock beer, which erupts in a fountain of foam.  Close your eyes and think about that.

As memorable as most commercials try to be, particularly during the Super Bowl, they should probably leave the questionable performances to the likes of a certain black, female singer that, possibly unwittingly, coined the phrase ‘wardrobe malfunction’.